Please stop pinning to facebook

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Dear facebook “friend” I once had a class with (about 6 yrs ago) but now barely know:

I want to put this as gently as possible, because you are obviously a very nice girl. (I can tell this based on that adorable pink sequined sweater you just posted under “my style.”) So, at the risk of coming off brash or making you pull the whole “crying thing,” I’m just going to say it:

Please stop “pinning” on facebook.

I don’t want to see your pins. If I did, I would stalk any number (or all) of your 32 pinterest pages, express piglet-like delight over your apparent creativity and skill in curating the already-curated photos, and then re-pin your re-pins in that very venue.

The fact that I have not done this is not a sign that I have somehow overlooked pinterest, or that I want pinterest to come to facebook, or that I want facebook to be the new pinterest. I tried pinterest. I just didn’t get the appeal… personally, the idea of committing an entire site to derping out and letting everyone else know “gaaahhhIlikethis” seems… insipid. At best.

So.

On the one hand, I am seriouslysoexcited to see that you and some guy I have never met got engaged. That’s really great.

But on the other hand, I really – truly – cannot wait for the two of you to get married… e.g., we really need to start wrapping this up. I was patient at first, but what is this – the longest engagement in history? I feel like we’ve gone months, now – if not years – of you planning out your wedding via pinterest pins via facebook. And as much as I love butterfly motifs and sugar paste flowers and the “right” shade of pink and the 78 hairdos you have posted over the span of several months of our lives, I am about one “frilled-bow funfetti favor” photo away from crashing your party (since I know where it’ll be held) and spiking the champagne with turpentine. (Also, my good friend plays a mean banjo and I’m pretty sure he’s free that night. He’ll seduce at least one of your bridesmaids, and knowing him, it’ll be your married best friend. And/or he’ll (also) go for your mom.)

So, seriously… please stop pinning on facebook. If I cared at all about your tough deliberation over shoes or napkins, I would be over on pinterest, following that life journey of yours, and not here on facebook, where I am busy… not doing that.

In short: if you do not stop pinning that gumpaste garbage to facebook real soon, I am going to send you every brainstorming session and every article and every image and every thought I have and work through and read while writing my book this year. I can even post each page/article/outline/sketch separately if necessary. I will find photos to accompany. Do not put it past me, darling.

If you continue on with this mindsuck on my newsfeed, I will Kristallnacht the daylights out of yours… but I’ll do it in a few months, when you’re suffering the low of a post-wedding high, the fondant euphoria has long worn off and you’ve ballooned back out to your non-“wedding workout” real-life size.

So seriously.

Stop pinning.

and ps – congratulations.

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2 comments

  1. Very funny stuff and I fully agree. Although, I feel a bit guilty since I never wanted a wedding and have endured more than my share of wedding days. Remind me not to get you worked up over anything….

  2. […] I’ll clip off a comeback, if I can, right there in the moment. Or I’ll later fury-type a wrathful “rant blog” post and hit “publish” with hot, hot, heated resolve. At my worst, I’m sarcastic and […]

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